Shutting doors

I've come to the conclusion that my trip to the specialist had a psychological effect on me.
She said my kidneys were shutting down and my liver was shutting down. Being an artist I visualize these heavy oaken doors which are hinged on high and they're crashing down, casting out the light and there's no way to open them.
Well - what do you expect me to imagine?
Then there are the words "You have kidney failure". Car failure means it won't go - right? So I think the same about my kidneys. "Do you have to force the urine to come?"
Well I never thought about it before so the next time I go to the toilet I think - "Oh yes! I think I'm forcing it to come."
In other words I have never sat contemplating my body. And all this coming is completely alien to me. Especially being the urine inspector!


I visited my daughter Brenda and we talked about this whole thing and I think I'm not as hopeless as I thought in the beginning of this episode after all.
She is a much worse state, the cancer attacking all her organs. She talks now about getting palliative care. She sits there looking so lovely and yet is going through a lot of pain.


I went to see Willy. Almost hate to go to Pleasantview nowadays because I feel anxiety in the air about the move, there's so much to be done beforehand for the staff and the paramedics were there to see to one of the residents (they sense it too).
He was in his bed as if the two days ago had never happened when he sat in his wheelchair. The nurse told me he clamped his mouth shut so he wouldn't have to eat or drink. I think he's made up his mind to go. But he looked so peaceful that it made me glad.


It's lovely to come home to my little haven, the sun shining through the patio window and the quiet.


I'm going to take a Tums, put the TV on for company and read some more of Queen Victoria and her rumpus with Napoleon 111  - was he the original Napoleon? Guess I'll find out - would you believe I'm at the point in the book where Russia is invading the Crimea???? Way back in the 1800s and what a coincidence to today's news.
signed visualizing too many things - Doris