Spurt of energy

I was getting worried about completely losing my energy. The walk to the dining room looms ahead with me not being sure I can make the distance.
After I've had lunch I just want to sleep a while because I feel I've eaten a logger's meal when it was a small amount.
However, as my ultra sound was cancelled for today something clicked to give me a spurt of energy and I attacked the shredding (maybe too enthusiastically) and cleared out some binders hoping no one is going to come to demand something I was supposed to keep !!!
I'm tired of being the guardian of so much paperwork - holding it 'just in case'.


I got my 'sparc' card (disabled parking) just in time because see above. It will be of good use.


The windows are closed because the power washers have started. That's another thing which is good to have done. Last year I had left one ajar and you wouldn't believe the mess through the screen.


Brenda is going to come with me Friday night to dinner at the park and Mady's opening for her wool shop.


Next big thing which has to be done is to get invitations for the show addressed and ready, after that I can simmer down.
signed simmering Doris

Dentures

Today was a visit to the denturist who was kind but wordy. I prefer people to "Get on with it" but he said he wouldn't charge me for the consultation and his repeated attempts to clean my food clogged dentures which would really have cost $60.00.
I think it was because I told him we couldn't afford for me to keep going to the dentist and had all top teeth removed when I was forty or so. Also he was impressed by seeing on the filled-in form, I was going to be ninety shortly. Well that was the first session and the whole re-lining will cost $900.00.
By the way, he told said they have been told that Pleasantview is to be renovated for use for mental patients and that's a good thing - they will be happy there.


I was early and sat for a while with the windows down in the car because the sun was warm and it was a good place to just think about things. I can't believe how my thinking flits from one thing to the other when I want my brain to study a situation. Never mind - it felt good.


I got a reply letter to the one the funeral home had sent to notify Government people of Willy's demise. So caring - can you believe it? Saying they were sorry but not to worry about the payments for Health, they have adjusted it to just a single account and made the necessary arrangements. However at the moment I'm not sure what account they will deduct it from.
I have Willy's one dollar clock on my computer table and it ticks away nicely.


The power washers haven't come yet to do balconies and windows and we have to keep the windows closed so hope they hurry up as it's supposed to get hot.
signed laid back Doris

Lunching out

I haven't seen my friend for ages and she asked to take me out for lunch today.
She used to drive me to the good movies we have here in Mission run by a group of women who select titles which will get us "thinking".


We went to the restaurant in our superb Heritage Park. The soup was pureed vegetables which I loved.
We walked to where they have started to construct an Observatory which will inspire youngsters to become scientists I'm sure.
The tulips were out after cool weather and looked gorgeous.


We drove to our downtown and stopped in to the new "antique" place and talked to the Dickens character who runs it. We went into the rock shop which is stunning with wonderful rocks. I went to buy for Brenda a tiny desert stone which is cream coloured and has strings of white wound around it as if it was a woolen ball and the card said it would bring you peace. When I went to pay for it they told me to just put it in my pocket and good luck!


We called into Mady's new shop selling high quality wool and it looks great. Back-tracking we went into English Tarts and has tea and cake and our ad. for the show in June/July is in the magazine.


The sun was out and we got caught up with our lost lives of the past months and it was good.


When I arrived home the forms for the bank were there so I signed them with a witness and hopped in the car to expedite the return of them in the mail and hopefully this crazy "freezing" of accounts will be over and we can get affairs settled with Willy's accounts.


I promptly had a nap to recover from eating the cake and now it's time for bed.
signed getting it together - Doris

More on Sunday

I don't know why I was cut off from today's post but I was. However I returned home feeling that I was lucky to have family around and it was a nice day. signed lucky Doris

Nice times

Today Camellia - my grand-daughter was to visit but got held up.
had a catch-up phone call with Paul whose businesses are booming right now but he can't get young fellows who will work hard so he's doing it himself and it's too much.


Joy came to take me to their house in Maple ridge for dinner and I got to see Dario's latest acquisition - a salt water aquarium !!! Oh Boy! I think it's a seventy gallon tank but it's incredible (so is the upkeep.) I fell in love with the latest member in it - a little fish looking like a red dragon with yellow fins and other colours, he had his own character and seemed to talk to me.
What a learning process it is as well as absolutely beautiful. Dario always does things perfectly and the acquarium  is one of them. It has living coral which feeds the fish, crabs and snails in there. His downstairs bathroom is completely taken over with tubes, computer monitors and massive tubs of salted, heated water. It's really a fulltime job for a person to deal with.


Dinner was the finest - barbecue Slovakian chicken or tenderloin steak and Rossetti rice and salad.
Dessert was a special lemon dish which was exquisite. I don't usually eat much but I asked for more.

Cards

Twenty-five years ago I was in a card shop around Valentine's day and realized that day was over for me - no partner to send a valentine's day card to. Even though it's not anywhere near that day of love, I was looking for a birthday card for my friend and remembered I'm back to where I was then and Willy has gone.
These memories continually to pop up as I suppose they do to everyone else who had a partner who died. I so enjoyed being able to celebrate those days when Willy came along. I loved the cards he found for me at birthdays - always unusual - something no one else would ever have thought of buying but hitting the spot for me, summing up what I was about. He was clever.


I made an excursion to get supplies I needed and realized time had slipped by without me replenishing insulin, diabetic test strips and all that takes a woman to look half decent. I have lots of points at Shoppers so next time I'll get my luxury cream.


My other grand daughter phoned to say she has registered for her Practicum in Early childhood education and now her male friend is her boy-friend and he can drive her places. They are coming tomorrow morning which is nice - coincidence that two grand daughters are engaged at the same time!
In the afternoon Joy will come to get me from Maple Ridge to go to their place for dinner. Fun.


When I have company, time goes quickly so it helps.
signed - lucky to have grand-children Doris

Catch-up

Okay I missed writing yesterday but here is catch-up.


It was a meeting with the bank - not the investment people but we had to co-ordinate the two.
They told me "No - we don't close the joint account - we just freeze it."
Well to my mind - freezing is closing right? And that is what is was but they smiled condescendingly and said "No - no - we don't close it." But I can't take any money out of it so what is that but closing it !!
They also "froze" the joint account whereas from the time it was set up - they said nothing will happen with a joint account - it will carry on as usual on the death of your husband. What a bally-hoo that is. there were all kinds of other things but I won't go into it here - all I can say to everyone is be prepared for freezing even if it's not cold!!!


Thank you for your cards. I hope I don't live till the time when card sending is obsolete because they bring comfort. I keep them for a while, bring them out to read again and finding the choice people make in buying them to send, shows the person's character.


My grand-daughter from Vancouver has just become engaged to a nice young man and they came last evening to have dinner and stay overnight with Brenda and Rex. Brenda ordered Chinese food and we had a catch-up time with family too. Brenda came to get me and then take me home after dinner.
It was so nice to be included in the romantic time with young people and listen to them talk about the plans for the future in bright hopes.


Today I went to put the garbage out and stayed to walk in the sunshine around the building. If I don't get more active soon I'll drift into a blimp watching TV - well not so much TV but reading till my eyes get strained.
Just finished Sonja Tolstoy's biography. What an upheaval that was. Tolstoy founded the stupidest cult in the world! Said we shouldn't own material things yet lived in luxury. Said sex was criminal and we should live without it. Hello? What would happen to the world then silly man.
He sure must have had charisma because he got millions following his teaching.
She was a bit mad as well - staying with him in spite of his bad treatment of her.


signed I'd rather be sane than famous - Doris

Missing

Just to say I fell asleep on the chesterfield last night after a busy day so didn't get the blog done.
I'll catch up tonight and I'm sorry about that.
signed sleepy Doris

A woman's dilemma

Brenda took me to what I thought was a toe specialist who turned out to be a general surgeon.
My family doctor made the appointment months ago because my toe was still giving me trouble and he suggested "I'll just take the pliers and pull out the toe nail after anaesthetising it"
I told him "No - if anyone does it - it will have to be a specialist because I'm diabetic."
And here we are with a very nice lady surgeon but not a toe specialist.
It all worked out because I told her in the meantime the toe had improved and as I'm almost ninety and not in the best of shape, I thought I'd manage without surgery and she agreed.


We had lunch at the "Afterthoughts" tea room which was very good food and I ordered a Mocha coffee not knowing it would come already sweetened but I drank it regardless.


While there, we got into the subject of young women ( 18 years old or so)who have a lot of potential,  are top of their class and give up having a scholarship and career to be a stay-at-home mother.
It seems to me most of today's girls are deciding to choose the career and I wondered if that means families will consist of only one child in future or none and of course, the population of the white world will decrease more than it is now and when it spreads to China and India for example we will be like the talk of Aliens who come to abduct women here because they've been through the same thing and are not producing off-spring and their planet is finished. Whew!
Well I did my bit anyway!
Big day tomorrow at the bank etc.


Valerie Hundert got an award for working in the arts of Mission tonight but unfortunately, it was too much for me to go out again tonight so I wasn't there to cheer her on. She has been a wonderful worker for the culture here. Good for you Val!!
signed mother of ten - Doris

Feeling Fuzzy

I saw this lady reporter on T.V. reporting a football game.
As she was talking to the camera, a football smashed into the side of her head, knocking her hard and sending her a step back with hair flying from the shock.
Bravely, she came back to her original position as if nothing had happened and carried on her report as if she hadn't been knocked for a loop.
I got thinking she must have done that action as a professional, as sometimes athletes make a goal even though they have been basically knocked out. I admired her for doing it but worried that she must have spoken afterwards while feeling fuzzy but getting through the assignment regardless.
Well, I've decided it's exactly how I feel.  I hope it soon passes because one doesn't feel in control. I actually bought a cane to walk with because even walking is unsteady.
Maybe it's common to have this sort of thing after the death of a spouse. How would I know?


Went to the dentist to have my dentures re-lined or new dentures.
He said the jaw bones have shrunk and new dentures are not possible unless I have six screws put in to hold them in place.
So I will go to a Denturist on Tuesday to ask for re-lining and see how that goes.


It's strange not to have to go to Pleasantview any more. However, I found a double mat to fit a frame I had and am thinking of fitting a small work of mine in it. Will have time to do those sort of things now.
signed - fuzzy but working things out - Doris

What did I leave behind?

I pace the floor a bit because I have the feeling I've left something behind somewhere.
I thought I was more settled but guess I was too hasty to think that way.


Today was the first Bank day. Brenda and friend Barbara came with me and everything played out very well. Thursday we go again to tidy up loose ends and fill requirements from the Government.
If things continue to go well, I'll be able to give lessons on death procedures.
The horror stories of closing the spouses account right away do not apply to us apparently and we can take our time.


Think I said in previous Blog that we have always had Easter Monday Holiday but the bank was open and one Credit Union was closed. AAGH!!!!


People tell me they really liked the piece in the paper about Willy. It reached so many who had followed his life before. I love living in Mission!


signed Mission girl - Doris

Reaction

My son left for the ferries at five o'clock and I'm waiting to know if he got on one all right without much difficulty. I always thought Easter Monday was a bank holiday but I learn that it isn't and some people do not have the day off in which case there may be lots of folk going home today.


We did a lot of sorting out here and I can see a certain sense of order now. There's lots of forms and letters to write but they can take their time.
Tomorrow I'll learn at the meeting how the finances are sorted out and what's to be done with RRIF, automatic deposits and automatic deductions etc. and the income tax return to come.


I seem to need to sleep in the day-time now so will have to learn how to pace myself to allow a nap. And my blood sugar is different than BW (before Willy)when I test on the glucometer. I dream very real dreams when I do snooze but maybe it will ease up after time.


Thank you Nanette for your comments.


signed - adjusting Doris

Closet clearing

I'm glad there was a room at the Mission Best Western for Mark because there was no vacancy in Abbotsford this weekend.
When Mission built the motel it wasn't filled very often but now the city is busy and the race-way attracts a lot of visitors. When Willy and I walked along that sidewalk, it was just a bank with Delphiniums growing with their Monet colours of purple, nauve, pink and blue.  A little bit of nature before we came to the ABC restaurant. One would never believe the difference if they hadn't seen it with their own eyes.
Reminds me of when I went back to England and asked my sister to drive me to our old home in Hempstead and she refused. "It would break your heart to see how such a pretty village with houses and orchards such as ours were completely eliminated for high rises and sophistication of city life."


I sat in the studio room and watched as my son put the large closet in order, throwing out all that I could and labelling all the plastic drawers and boxes.
He took out the recyclables and garbage which included heavy items and I can now see what is where.
It seemed Willy's things turned up often and decisions had to be made. I found the small stuffed Husky dog he was given because he did jobs for a friend. He always kept it where he could see it. So many photographs. I'll package them up to send to Sweden.  I have a large box which will be labelled "Willy' so I can take my time to make choices about the articles.
I think of two ladies I knew who had to throw out every one of their photos. They both had sons who hadn't married, they didn't know what to do with photographs and of course there were no grandchildren. One was a weaver and had to give away her large loom. Their families had come to an end.


We had dinner downstairs and they had fixed the private dining room up festive for Easter. It was pleasant.


My son is transferring my old stuff from one lap-top to another newer one and taking me off from Netflix. He found where people are making comments on my Blog and thank you to those bringing words to me to make me feel more comfortable in this present role.
Sometimes, I like this technology.
signed -  being helped over losing Willy - Doris

Settling down

Found it difficult to stop imagining Willy's face when I tried to get to sleep last night. The fact that his ashes are in the closet and not attended to - makes me unsettled.


Mark arrived from the Island at 3:30 p.m. I had alerted him to the fact that it would be better for me if we disposed of the ashes today instead of tomorrow.


He took the bag out of the cardboard box and put it in a shopping bag so it would be less obvious what we were to do.
I could not bring myself to handle the planned event but stood a short way off and focussed on what was happening and felt relief.


We sat on a bench in the sunlight, listening to the birds sing and wept a little but I felt a release and was grateful for it.


We came home and there was the Mission Record with the article so beautifully laid out.
I felt grateful for it being there and seeing it made me smile knowing that we knew those years together and I truly "let him go" with that feeling.


I had to pick up my photos from London Drugs (taken two hours before Willy died) and passed the camera department. I'm sure it was telling me to buy the camera I've had my eye on but didn't buy  because it was too expensive. It was reduced by one hundred dollars!!!
I did what it told me to do and brought it home.


signed - missing him but not sad - Doris

Ashes

We had a lovely Easter brunch at lunch time. It all looked festive with runners on the table-cloths, roses in pots on the tables and balloons strung up. Very nice.
My friend Michael from the Island phoned and we feel very alike about life and art so it was good to talk to him.


Phone call came from the funeral home all right to let me know Death certificates and the ashes were ready for pick up.
Thank goodness Brenda was feeling well enough to drive and take me there.
As we stepped out of the car I started to be nervous. I'd brought a Safeway plastic bag to carry the cardboard box in and wondered just how large the ashes would come to. After all I'd never seen them packaged before. Brenda, who always has emergency items, be it elastic bands, band-aids, scissors, aspirins, combs and so on in her purse, had handy a large secure bag with handles and brought it into the office.
When the staff lady showed us the cardboard box, Brenda's bag was needed.
I lifted it and was floored at how heavy it was. The lady said "He must have had high bone mass density!"
Even though Brenda shouldn't carry the box - she did and said when I feel things are heavy because of my age, other people don't.


I'd received a bill for an ambulance ride Willy had in March so went to the bank to pay it and we came back to this apartment and put Willy in the closet and then I had to sit down.


I felt a sort of comfort to know he's around (even if he isn't really) but any comfort is welcome thank you very much!


signed getting a more settled feeling - Doris

The Record

The Mission Record sent an example of Willy's column to me by e-mail and they did a great job. I needed it to be right and it was and I feel more settled down because of it. I know many Missionites will be glad to know what happened to the "fellow who was always on his bike".
I can be anywhere locally and a stranger will ask what is he doing and where is he.


Hoping to hear from the funeral home tomorrow so I can collect the ashes. After I have spread them I can take a deep breath and begin my widow's life.


Did you know that whenever I said I was a divorced woman, I experienced a look of disgust from some other older women? Even in this age.
I remember too, when I lived in the apartment building where I met Willy. He lived upstairs and I lived downstairs. When we started to sleep together, I'd take up two wine glasses at night and before we went to bed we'd quaff down some wine.
One morning I was coming out of his apartment holding the wine glasses and met a prim resident lady on the stairs. I wish you could have seen the look on her face - It was as if I was the lowest of individuals. I wouldn't be surprised if she had reported me to the Strata council!!!!


This afternoon Carrington had a birthday party for quite a few residents who were born during the month of April and so many turned up to celebrate. The "Nine Lives" entertained with a key board and choir and played the lovely old songs. There was birthday cake and tea or coffee.
My friend Norma celebrated her birthday - NINETY-SIX years young and looking lovely. My billiard coach was there but I didn't see John, who lives next door to me. I tried to find the card I'd put away for him - something about Viagra on it - but I couldn't see it. It'll turn up when I least expect it.


Tonight my friend has put all the disabled clothes I got for Willy in her car to take to MCC. They said people ask for that sort of thing so I'm pleased. Another thing done.


Brenda found something on the Internet which showed the city where I worked in England. A strange ring shape appeared in the sky over Warwick Castle and no one could figure out what it was.
 I worked as a typist in Queen Anne's bedroom there during the war. Today Madame Tussuad's has taken over the castle and replicated the staff and people of that time with wax figures.
My boss chased me up a stone turret which made me scared until I batted at him with my fist and he let me escape.
signed no one chases me now - Doris

Line - up

Flowers and cards arrived today from friends - How lovely!
Thank you from Willy and me.


I had my perm with Jackie who works here at Carrington. She knows exactly what to do with my hair and I will go through the next weeks not giving hair a thought.


Brenda drove me to the appointment at the funeral home in Mission and on the steps, was a friend from years ago. I don't know how some people can have this lovely aura surround their faces but she has it. She plays the piano seriously and rescued a very old Steinway, carved grand piano and had it re-conditioned to its original state.
Her partner added a large room onto his house to accommodate it and I went one time to listen to the top pianists of B.C. play on it. Wonderful.


I thought that Willy would have gone through the "procedure" and I would be glad it was over but because it had been a weekend and the doctor is on holiday - there's a line-up waiting to be attended to and he's still not cremated. It makes me feel unsettled until that part is over with.


We went through all the forms and the staff lady was very kind and patient. She chose to copy the photograph of Willy pretending he was fishing, holding up a net with a can of salmon in it and a cheeky laugh on his face. She did some faxing and Lo and Behold! she got the death certificates done and promised it wouldn't be long before I could collect his ashes.


It was a nice surprise when she said for a small amount of money the staff could officially notify all Government agencies necessary of the death. What a relief.
I had to say if I wanted his wedding ring and she assured me they wouldn't injure his finger to take it off.
I had initially chosen a box instead of an urn to put the ashes in but I didn't like what I saw. Brenda said "If you're going to spread the ashes right away, why bother. They put them in a cardboard box." And I thought it was just what Willy would say, so no urn. No dressing him up. No embalming. No coffin to take him to the oven. And there was no pressure to do otherwise. It made all the difference in the world to have Brenda there with me and if I wish the world anything it would be to have a companion with you when you have to do difficult things like this.


The Record office was closed so Brenda will take me tomorrow.


Step by step I'll get it done  signed Impatient Doris

Day at Home

I stayed at home today.
Waking up this morning I thought maybe I'd caught the Norwalk Flu, I was so out of sorts. Joy and I hadn't been able to wash our hands after we were gathering Willy's things and the director had told us the sickness there had been the Norwalk Flu.
Thought we could find a dispenser with that stuff in it in the bank - there was none. As I said, she tried to buy some at the Loonie store and I asked for some in the Ladies store all to no avail. What has happened when we had them all over the place?
So Joy, being a nurse was concerned we might have symptoms.
However, after getting breakfast and tidying up I was all right and started getting phone calls from my children - some I hadn't heard their voice for a while so it was really good.


I was so happy to know that Brenda will be with me at the funeral home. I've realized the value of having someone with you when you have a difficult job to do. She also said she'd drive me to Abbotsford to put the story of Willy's life in the newspaper which surprised me because I didn't know our local paper has an office in Abbotsford now.


My friend "dropped in" for a visit - it was so nice to talk with her.
I'm going to type what I'm putting in the paper so the ones who can't get our paper will read it.


IN MEMORY OF WILLY SMITH - THE BICYCLE MAN.
Do you remember an older man on a bike who appeared wherever you looked?
"We saw him in Maple Ridge!"
"We saw him with his bike in a line-up to get on the ferry to Nanaimo!"
That man was Willy Smith and when he was over eighty years old he cycled to Kamloops and back from Mission. He slept on a garbage bag in the bush on the way there because he didn't believe in spending money on a motel.
He loved being in nature, picking up discarded bottles on the way.
In the mornings he had coffee at MacDonalds where people told him they admired him for being active and he was a role model for them.


Willy arrived in Canada in 1947 and worked in construction on oil and logging sites. He was the hardest worker known and never out of work a day (until he found he was giving too much to the Government income tax so took time off to go to Mexico.)


He came from Denmark and had never married (one story was he had to climb out of the bathroom window of a widow's house who had asked him in for dinner.)
At age sixty-nine he met Doris Paterson - a Mission artist and writer who was sixty-five and had ten children!! She was divorced and opposite to Willy in every way. They fell in love and were together for twenty-four years, officially marrying in the year 2001.


Doris wrote a small book "Willy and Me" about how they compromised in their togetherness and the book was published by Portage and Main Press of Winnipeg. Two sequel books were combined with this and titled "The artist and the Bicycle man."


After his ninetieth birthday he was taken to E.C.U. because of Parkinson's disease - kicking and raging against being confined to Pleasantview.


Willy died when he was ninety-three years old. He passed away on February 11th 2014, leaving his wife Doris, brother Vagn/Ellen and his nieces in Sweden.
His family will be ever grateful for the loving care he received at Pleasantview.


Doris received this e-mail from a friend:-
"I never really knew Willy but feel I did get to know and understand a bit about him through your stories and books. You are an excellent story-teller and give characters life. through this, you have given Willy a place in everyone's memory which could possibly last forever. No one could ask for a more profound legacy to leave behind than by what you have given Willy through your writings. By the same token, Willy has been a great influence on you since he became part of your life and has given you some wonderful and funny memories.
I think you were both very lucky to have had each other. I am both sad and relieved by the news. I would say he was a man of conviction and knew at the end, life in a care home was not what he wanted and just let go. Good for Willy!"
Books are available at Mission Arts Council Gallery - Catherwood St. off Lougheed, Mission B.C.

family

Yes - family counts at a time like this. It was so good to have their e=mails and hear their voices on the phone. And my dear friends with their messages are letting me know they cared about Willy and me. Thank you.
Joy came from Maple Ridge like a spring bouquet in a flowery dress. I think all my children are good organizers and "take hold" of situations and get things done.
"First you've got to eat" she said and we went to the White Spot and I had my favourite - strawberry waffle and the strawberries were real !!
Next we left the photos of Willy the last time I saw him at London Drugs for developing.
"What would you like to do?" Joy asked as we were passing my favourite Jewelry store. I needed a new watch so we went in. I bought a delicate watch (for best) which was half price and a silver chain for my neck. The staff there are friends and follow my path in life.
Then we high tailed it to Pleasantview in case everyone had left the building in their haste to get to the new building. Joy found the atmosphere as I had, disturbing, with no bustle and few care-aids. The care director took time to say she was sorry about Willy and she could tell he had known I was there when I last saw him and I was one of the lucky ones who didn't have to witness a struggle before he died. We all agree it was better that he didn't have to go through the move.
We collected all his clothes, razors and photo from the wall. Leaving the used creams, lotions, soap and toothpaste for the cleaning staff to clear up and Joy brought home the bear.
Once again, I'd forgotten for us to bring the small cart to wheel them to the car.
Goodbye dear Pleasantview - may the ones who will take over the building grow to love it as we did.


Off to the funeral home but it was closed for the week-end.
Then to the bank where I transferred some money from his account into our joint account.
By this time we needed to come home and as we came through the door, the funeral home called.
I'm to go on Monday at 3:15 p.m. and take a photo and info on Willy to identify him and praise be! I don't have to see him. I want to retain the picture I have of him as I last saw him.
They said they will help me get through the form-filling and have retrieved the record they made out when I went to them a long time ago. I can't believe that time has come.
The day was so full, I didn't feel bad. I was so grateful for the way everything clicked in.


Friend Wendy wrote an e-mail which summed up what Willy was about and how lucky we were to have had that time together. I will treasure it, thank you Wendy.


Hoping I will continue to cope well - signed Doris without her Knight in Shining armour!

Life

Went to see Willy after the funny time we had with Laura and her husband Linden making a video.
It was to include many residents and there were many re-takes and gestures to go with music.


He was finding it harder to breathe but not struggling. Once again everything was clean, pillows plumped and his arm was around the teddy bear under the covers. How kind were the staff to do that little thing.
Eyes were completely closed, face not in agony.
I undid the covers to stroke his hand, remembering how I loved the strength and solidness of his hands, especially when I put them next to mine which are pale and looked so small next to the symbol of always doing hard work.
I've looked at his face for so long laying there in his bed that when I turn my head I see a ghost impression of it.
I took a photograph of Willy, remembering an artist - I think Manet not Monet who sat to draw his mother's dying face. Something we artists feel we should do.
He seemed to have regained the sweetness in his look that was there when I first knew him
I allowed myself to think maybe he should not have decided to stop living but of course that's being silly. It's better for him to be at peace and not feel a prisoner in that monster of a wheelchair when he can't move the thing and has to rely on the staff. When he first saw it he said he would never use it and that's what pretty well happened. I left around five o'clock.


At half past eight, May came in to talk and during this, the phone rang and it was Pleasantview nurse to tell me that Willy has died.


I had to get a Tums.


Phoned the funeral home and they are to contact Pleasantview and will phone me tomorrow morning.
Willy was ninety-three, had lived his life the way he wanted and he had a companion who loved him. So we should not mourn for him - we should just miss him and be glad we were part of his life.




I was with him until nearly five o'clock so I feel he knew I had been with him.
Pleasantview just phoned to ask what do I want to do about his wedding ring. I had noticed his finger was puffy so I didn't want them to force it off. They said the funeral home will give it to me.


Now I am a widow and it is another phase of my life but oh! I will miss him.
signed not believing it yet - Doris

Pleasantview

I've just come back from a visit with Willy.
Pleasantview phoned me this morning to ask if I want him moved to the new building to die or leave him till the last moment in Pleasantview which is Monday the 14th April when everything and everybody has to be out of there.
I told them, we thought of Pleasantview as Willy's home and leave him to stay until the end. If he's still alive on the Monday of course, he'll have to be transported but it won't be long now.
He decided to finish life when he clamped his mouth shut against any more intake of food or drink - but one never knows.
What to do with the big wheelchair was a problem but Vicki said she will take care of it for me. What a relief that is.


I don't know if I'm kidding myself or not but I felt a pressure of his fingers when I held his hand and I said "Blink your eyes Willy if you know that Doris is here" and he blinked. And I told him again that I loved him.
That made me feel better because who wants to die when they think no one cares?


They came in to turn him as they do every two hours. They snuggled the "Can't bear to be without you" bear next to him and everything as I keep saying, is clean and comfortable as they can make him. He's so very peaceful.


I stayed a long time in case it would be the last time and I cried of course but that's a good thing.


This morning I drove Brenda to her ultra sound but the results will take a long time to come. She was glad the person who did the service was gentle but it left her sore.


Hey! I did it - went to the medical clinic to pay twenty dollars and have them stamp the form for a disabled parking ticket, wrote a cheque for twenty dollars for sparc and actually mailed the whole thing. It will come in handy.


I'm going to give Willy's new clothes away. Maybe to the "closet" of the new building.


I waited in the Pleasantview parking lot, sitting in the car. It overlooks the park where we used to walk to. The birds were singing like they did in England and the sun was out and it is spring again. He gave me at least three extra years of life because he made me walk every day and he so loved being in nature
And now I just wait for the phone call.
signed Willy's girl - Doris

Sharing time

Today, Laura, our activity lady had a "Sharing Time" with us.
It was advertised on a poster in a way that looked like modern music so I was surprised to find it was exactly a - "Sharing Time". About ten people were there in the downstairs lounge where they've put comfy chairs and some goodies and coffee.


It's something that Chartwell (owners of this and the other assisted living building) have come up with to have a get-together with residents who wish to talk with others - or not -  and to have a semi-structured half-hour with a bit of recorded music and a theme for encouraging talk with the use of a talking stick.


Today's theme was "acceptance" and the first question was answered by ladies talking about it being hard but they have now accepted living in this way at Carrington.
I was a bit nervous we might have the lady I met one time who said her children had come to her house while she was in hospital, taken and sold all the furniture and sold the house, then registered her in Carrington and she hasn't seen any of the money and what right had they to do that without her permission.
Then I found out she had fallen and was taken to the hospital, remaining in a coma for three months and what on earth should the children have done?  But she was bitter.
Well she wasn't at the session.
I think it worked well - I'll try to go to the next one.


It's strange to miss going to see Willy. The disabled clothing lady went and they just took the clothes from her for Willy because they're still in isolation there.


I received some lovely spring flowers from my eldest daughter Barbara and her husband with a note that said she was sorry Willy was struggling. How sweet they smell and how nice to have them here.
I hear that they are to go to live in Steinbach Manitoba where George will act as United church minister. They have bought a house there and Barbara has a dining table with eighteen chairs to match as she loves to have people gathered together.


I was up at 5 a.m. this morning and had to have some juice because my blood sugar was too low. Couldn't get back to sleep so am tired now.


My grand-daughter Camellia phoned - it was good to hear from her.


Good-night and enjoy life - signed feeling better Doris

Promotion

Good for Mady and for Jenna who took the photo of Barbara and me at the party.
Jenna forwarded the photo to Mady who e-mailed it together with info on our June/July show to the Whats On in Mission magazine and would you believe it was right on the deadline for getting it printed in the next issue of the magazine?
As this will stay in for two months we could not have afforded to miss it.


Went to see Willy but it was like entering a morgue because no sign of staff or residents. Pleasantview is in lock-down and residents confined to their rooms because of a sickness - they didn't tell me what is was.


When I had my by-pass, Willy brought me a white Teddy bear which was holding a red heart - written on the heart were the words "Can't bear to be without you".
I found it in the cupboard the other day so I took it for him. If he can see at all he might remember the days we were together. It makes other people smile so I guess if it only does that, it's worth having around.


I was a good doobie and took my blood pressure monitor down to Shoppers Drug Mart and the very kind Pharmacist was patient. He took my blood pressure and it was 170 over 85. I took it in the store machine and it registered the same. He made me read a magazine and be calm for five minutes and sure enough they then both read 130 over 70. It confirms I have White coat syndrome and my blood pressure monitor is not at fault. So that is solved. It also proves I'm very sensitive to ANYTHING.


I found some old fashioned lipstick in the store which was for sale 4.99. I don't like this modern stuff that just glazes your lips and doesn't last for more than a few seconds.


May went for her first Chemo - low dose and once a week so that's good.


Went to see Emily Drew's son's  history book on Bella Carra - Indian Arm coast line. His name is Ralph and he took ten years to bring it to fruition. It weighs five pounds and it is so detailed and wonderfully put together. He has been given a special History award from the Lt.Governor and it is applauded from all over and it is in libraries and archives of Canada. Well deserved.


And so another day and closer to the Grand Move of Pleasantview - dear place that it is.
signed promotion - promotion that's me from now on Doris

History in Quebec

Interesting completion of the election in Quebec tonight.
Thank goodness we're not dragged through another round of a referendum for separation !!
What a life for politicians - forever having to devote time away from their homes to get laws made and unmade.
Having said that, I think my youngest son would make a good politician, he has a gift of getting along with all and sundry and calming people down and he has charisma.  But he's determined to be the best father ever so it would be difficult to combine the two.


Joy is teaching full time and her knee gives her a lot of pain. Hopefully she'll get a call to say they will operate.
She encouraged me not to have such invasive tests like the bone marrow one. Says that if the doctors find out something there'll be more trouble and I've done well so far so keep going and just know I'm at the stage where naturally everything is getting older so it's expected but not desperate.


I feel good about getting the paintings all ready with a list of them for labelling. Now I have to do the dreaded invitation addressing.
I'm gradually going through the big closet to see what I can throw out but I won't fret about it. I just need to live in quarters which are uncluttered and peaceful.






It was sunny today so things all around have perked up.
signed more settled Doris

Shutting doors

I've come to the conclusion that my trip to the specialist had a psychological effect on me.
She said my kidneys were shutting down and my liver was shutting down. Being an artist I visualize these heavy oaken doors which are hinged on high and they're crashing down, casting out the light and there's no way to open them.
Well - what do you expect me to imagine?
Then there are the words "You have kidney failure". Car failure means it won't go - right? So I think the same about my kidneys. "Do you have to force the urine to come?"
Well I never thought about it before so the next time I go to the toilet I think - "Oh yes! I think I'm forcing it to come."
In other words I have never sat contemplating my body. And all this coming is completely alien to me. Especially being the urine inspector!


I visited my daughter Brenda and we talked about this whole thing and I think I'm not as hopeless as I thought in the beginning of this episode after all.
She is a much worse state, the cancer attacking all her organs. She talks now about getting palliative care. She sits there looking so lovely and yet is going through a lot of pain.


I went to see Willy. Almost hate to go to Pleasantview nowadays because I feel anxiety in the air about the move, there's so much to be done beforehand for the staff and the paramedics were there to see to one of the residents (they sense it too).
He was in his bed as if the two days ago had never happened when he sat in his wheelchair. The nurse told me he clamped his mouth shut so he wouldn't have to eat or drink. I think he's made up his mind to go. But he looked so peaceful that it made me glad.


It's lovely to come home to my little haven, the sun shining through the patio window and the quiet.


I'm going to take a Tums, put the TV on for company and read some more of Queen Victoria and her rumpus with Napoleon 111  - was he the original Napoleon? Guess I'll find out - would you believe I'm at the point in the book where Russia is invading the Crimea???? Way back in the 1800s and what a coincidence to today's news.
signed visualizing too many things - Doris

Vacation day

Today I stayed in all day to attack a few things. I didn't go to see Willy because it looks like he's going to be all right and I've got to keep my life going.


After hearing all that's wrong with me I decided to complete all necessary things for our show.
I'm securing cardboard to each painting to protect them from accidents, then making a list to give the gallery lots of time for them to make cards with the title and price on them.
I'm making the place where they will stand until June 21st. to be neater and will start writing what I want read at the opening and concentrate on getting nice invites and addressing envelopes.
Then I'll start getting promotions going. There's only two and a half months to go and boy! I've learned there's always something that will crop up that you didn't expect. My health and appointments to doctors will be one thing.


I don't like one painting (purple rainbow) but I'm glad I gave the paints away so I don't start messing around with it. It is what it is and I told Mady if it disturbed the rest of the work, just substitute two from the Coquitlam show which haven't been seen in Mission.
I really like the "Midnight Rainbow" so that balances the likes and dislikes.


I heated these flakey rolls which are stuffed with feta cheese and spinach in my new little oven and it works well. I'll try the veggie pizza tomorrow.


The world has a lust for violence and television is obliging this lust. All the channels I can get have so-called detective series - just an excuse to have three murders per episode. Every time I turn the channel there's a gun aimed at me or some gory scene.
We need a Gory inspector. Commercials continue to offend me when they show the worst scenes to attract an audience. Children watch these by default with no warning issued for parents.
My health might be running down but my rage at these things gain energy!!
signed getting things done - Doris

Resurrection

It doesn't really matter what happened today except when it reached 2 p.m. and my friend Wendy came and we talked about many things - me feeling dragged down with this waiting for a phone call to say Willy was dead.
I haven't got over all the bad news of my health condition and on top of that I woke last night at 4 a.m. with a low in blood sugar with a reading of 4 which is bad for me. After slurping mango juice and eating some pineapple chunks I had a time getting back to sleep I lay on the chesterfield until 6 a.m. reading and feeling unsettled.
So it was helpful to talk to a friend about everything and while we were chatting - the phone rings and I see it's from Pleasanview and my breathing stops and Wendy waits, dreading the news.
It's the nurse and she says "Are you coming to see Willy today Doris?" And remembering that I told them I don't want to see him in the last minutes of his life, said "Er- Er" but she interrupted by continuing her message. "We've got him up in his wheelchair and he's looking good."


Can you believe this? I couldn't.


After putting down the phone I look across at Wendy and she looks at me - she says "I just don't know what to say" and we both burst into laughter.
How can I have spent so much energy in believing he was going to die?
How could a man who looked absolutely wasted, suddenly sit up in a wheelchair?
But it wasn't only me, it was everybody in Pleasantview who thought his end was near.
And I'm going to have to go through it all over again.


I went to see him of course with a lighter step from relief and true enough he was in his wheelchair wanting to say something to me (which sounded awfully like the F word) but I gave up trying to understand.
He made these funny little smiles and actually sort of clapped his hands in a weak way.
His eyes for the first time for a long while were open but glazed and blank.
Hands were cool but not cold.
It was a true resurrection.


And that's the sermon for today - signed given a reprieve  Doris

More about docs.

Bless community Services. My ride came early but that was okay because I'm usually early too.
The driver turned out to be Mr.J. who said he recognised it was me because Willy had bought the house on Rose avenue from him and always loved the fact that Willy bought it because it had an oak toilet seat on the toilet !!!.
He's a very good driver and used to be captain of rental large yachts - what a job.
I told him what a coincidence because the man that bought the same house from us was the same name as him and a further coincidence was this Mr.J. lived in the house I can see from my studio and how beautiful was the Forsythia bush and he said it was he who had planted it.


So I had my appointment with Dr.Yao and what a great doctor she is. I knew when she had ordered 12 vials of blood for my test she was going to find something.
Well she asked if I drank alcohol because for heaven's sake - my liver is in trouble.
Then there's less filtration in my kidneys and I have to have the bone marrow checked out and my blood cells aren't too good and I'm anemic. She worried about my blood pressure but I assured her it was white coat syndrome  and she believed me.
I'm to first have an ultra sound.
NUTS!


Went to see Willy. Once again he looks so peaceful sleeping, shallow, regular breathing.
Made comfortable. I spoke in low voice - told him I was there.
When I got home I talked to Brenda and she helped with getting me ready for death.


Am reading Queen Victoria and if anyone desires to be a queen - it ain't fun and of course we'll never get a Prince Albert.  Love - love - love the book.
signed hope I get through all this Doris

One hour with my doctor

I asked the doctor what's this about spending all this time on me and he said the government wants to keep a record of what happens every year with my health.
Right away I learned I've lost another half an inch. I used to be 5 feet 4 inches.
Last year I was down to                                                                5 feet 1 inch
This year it's                                                                                  5 feet 1/2 inches
And you know where it's all gone to - yes round my middle.
All this was recorded by an office staff person and during the process was involved with conversing personal accounts with a doctor while taking my blood pressure and of course the machine didn't register ! The world needs DISCIPLINE.


Circulation in my legs is poor. Blood pressure always high in the doc's office - perfect at home.
Kidneys are losing 'filtration' but not enough for dialysis.
I see a specialist about that tomorrow.


I asked him for a disability parking ticket and he gave me one to fill and send in.


So many cars parked in every spot around the hospital/clinic/and Pleasantview. Someone said the residents that were sent to Ebernezer home in Abbotsford three years ago returned today to go into the new building - 75 people and their families so guess that was why.


When I arrived at Pleasantview there was no care-aid or staff in sight. I found someone who said as if it was quite normal - "I suppose they're all having their dinner." meanwhile this lady I know who has dementia had unlocked the half-door of the desk and was in the office area which also has the nurse's stuff !!! Maybe they don't care now they will be moving.


I asked to see Willy's nurse and she was helpful. Said they turn Willy every two hours. Have given him a machine to blow air in the mattress to make him more comfortable. He doesn't seem in pain and they will call me if there is any drastic change.
They must change the sheets a lot because he's always very clean and looks peaceful.
I talked to him but not loud enough to wake him. There was no rattle in his chest today.


And so we go on..... signed going easy Doris

Heavy things

I bought a larger purse - it's pretty - pale rose pink with flower symbols embossed on one side. I put my smaller purse inside of it which has lots of zipper compartments. I wondered how it got to be so heavy.
Clearing out Willy's room I found peculiar things which I'd just throw in this new purse and today I even found metal attachments for his wheelchair in there!!
Tomorrow I must dump everything out and get rid of unnecessary items.
Did you see on the news that there are so many hoarders in the States that they're now going to help them clear out their places - I think for free. One place belonged to a Psychiatrist !




Willy had a heavy wire carrier which was supposed to fix on his walker and it was because of that and four bags of the last clothes that I was all done in. Of course I had to park in the farthest parking lot and some is up-hill.


His care-aid told me she had fed him some oatmeal this morning, so thought he was a bit better. I told the care-aid I couldn't wait to see the nurse because I didn't feel well myself.
I couldn't stay in the room for long with that rattle in his chest. It looks like the morphine is making him sleep because noises I made while clearing up didn't wake him.


I drove to Salvation Army and they were so nice, even helped me with the bags from the car. Surely that's the end of that job. I asked the staff if he remained in that condition, how was he to get to the new building on the 13th and she said they'd call an ambulance.


I've just watched "The story of the Jewish people" on public T.V.
My goodness what a history they have. They're so creative a people and clever. Combined with being Jewish and Russian or German, they have changed the world.
Weren't they wonderful for Broadway musicals? Composing and the lyrics were like nothing else.
And the movie Moguls and the science world.
Now they have their own country but they fight within themselves and their neighbours so they are still a woebegone people.


I made arrangements to have a driver for Thursday to see the kidney lady. Community Services is marvelous.
Am reading biography on Queen Victoria - I love these good researched books and keep picking up the book to see who gets what wife and how much money and how many estates !!!
signed - bagged out Doris