Painful Times

I've just come back from being with Willy.
The nurse met me in the corridor. Told me this is his third day staying in bed. They can't understand what he says - today thought he said "cold" so they wrapped him up warm.
He sips a little "heavy water" which is thick water with nutrients and sips "Boost" the liquid drink for those who aren't eating. Anytime I wish to call the nursing station I think she said extension 390. She's sorry for me.


His complexion was good. Sheets and covers nice and clean. Pillows plumped behind his head so he looked comfortable. I felt his forehead - no fever. Eyes wandered mostly looked up to the ceiling - I thought it was a ceiling light but no.
He heard my voice but couldn't see.
I told myself, if he was dying he'd be struggling to breathe but his breath was shallow, not difficult for him.


So I sat on the side of the bed and stroked his arm which was under the covers and his eyelids fluttered closed with peace. My arm and hand went numb so I just stayed my hand on his shoulder.
It was then that I wished I could lay down next to him and hold him as he used to hold me. In all the time of him being in extended care, we could never hold each other properly because of the way it is with him in the wheelchair.


And I started to cry and I couldn't stop and felt so alone without him to comfort me.
 I told him I had truly loved him and we'd had such very good times amongst the arguments and he had made me laugh so often. I hoped he could hear me.
It was then that I heard him say what sounded like "Home" and remembered when they first took him there he kept saying "Take me with you home!" And my tears kept running down my cheek.


I stayed for an hour, collecting some of he last items in his room to take to the thrift shop. As I was leaving, the care-aid who looks after Willy, stopped and said she was sorry. I asked her what she thought of the situation and she answered of course "Every case is different."


Then I thought of the other man who has Parkinson's and whose wife was called for the last minutes of his life, yet who now sits up in his wheelchair as alive as can be !!!!


I'm glad I cried though - It released my sorrow and I think of him  - making up funny stories in his head and seeing how peculiar the human race can be.
 He smiled the weakest of smiles, but it was there and he has comfort, care and a sort of peace so I'm happy about that.    signed resigned but sad Doris.